omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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