o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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