Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
