he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
