i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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