If i could tip my vagina, i would.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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