Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
