You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
