He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
