he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
