u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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