At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
