I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So much Jack, so little girl.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
