Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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