Four minutes until I can fart!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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