Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You took a bar mat shot.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
