I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
