i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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