chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
