I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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