girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
