dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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