Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
