I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
