In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
