walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
try lime green
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet