Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
