i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
