I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
