he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
