My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store