She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
