Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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