Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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