i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
