I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
