glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
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You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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