Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
