Welp...herpes.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
