i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
