Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
