ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
