I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
