tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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