You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
