I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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