your room smells of hookers.
And success
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
