just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
