Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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