I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
