and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
