I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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