someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
