Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
