do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
