if i can run in heels then i can drive
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
