Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize