Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
