You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
