his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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