Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
