Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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