I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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