The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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