my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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