Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
